It is unspeakable
Unscalable
A wall, a block, a cold something in my stomach
Right here, right there, under my heart, deep inside me.

And how, I ask you, does one outrun oneself?
Not at all, of course.
So here I sit,
With my fear.

My fear and I are having a coffee
And a cake too
(poppyseed and lemon)
Because why not, what do we have to lose?

My fear and I sit in the café
Like the old friends we are not
Because there is nothing friendly about my fear
And it sits and refuses the food and sulks in the corner.

Sometimes it likes to hurt me
And bites deep
Then I need to keep my hands calm and my breathing level
And wait until it dies down, if it ever will.

The coffee grows cold, but we drink it anyway.
The fear has come out of the corner and sits next to me now
Sometimes it hisses and it´s very icy
I need all the sweaters and scarves to even make it.

Maybe it will fall asleep, if i´m really really quiet?
Maybe I can trick it and sneak out?
And run, run for my life?
But no, the fear will not have it and also, it is very awake.

I will make you into art, I say.
It seems interested, but also not, at the same time.
The fear is a conundrum,
But it has stopped hissing and we sit here quietly, watching me write.